For Those Weary of Yet One More Survey

A collaboration between Lewis McLain & AI (Suggested by Becky Brooks)

Here is a funny, light-hearted, non-offensive survey designed as if a city or organization created it, full of the same bureaucratic absurdity but tailored for someone who’s just spent a couple of weeks in jail.

It is intentionally ridiculous — the kind of tone-deaf survey a city might send, trying to measure the “customer experience.”

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POST-INCARCERATION CUSTOMER SATISFACTION SURVEY

Because your feedback helps us improve the parts of the experience we had no intention of improving.

Thank you for recently spending 10–45 days with us!

Your stay matters to us, and we’d love your thoughts.

Please take 3–90 minutes to complete this survey.

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SECTION 1 — OVERALL EXPERIENCE

1. How satisfied were you with your recent incarceration?

    •    ☐ Very Satisfied

    •    ☐ Satisfied

    •    ☐ Neutral (emotionally or spiritually)

    •    ☐ Dissatisfied

    •    ☐ Very Dissatisfied

    •    ☐ I would like to speak to the manager of jail, please

2. Would you recommend our facility to friends or family?

    •    ☐ Yes, absolutely

    •    ☐ Only if they deserve it

    •    ☐ No, but I might recommend it to my ex

3. Did your stay meet your expectations?

    •    ☐ It exceeded them, shockingly

    •    ☐ It met them, sadly

    •    ☐ What expectations?

    •    ☐ I didn’t expect any of this

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SECTION 2 — ACCOMMODATIONS

4. How would you rate the comfort of your sleeping arrangements?

    •    ☐ Five stars (would book again on Expedia)

    •    ☐ Three stars (I’ve slept on worse couches)

    •    ☐ One star (my back may sue you)

    •    ☐ Zero stars (please never ask this again)

5. How would you describe room service?

    •    ☐ Prompt and professional

    •    ☐ Present

    •    ☐ Sporadic

    •    ☐ I was unaware room service was an option

    •    ☐ Wait… was that what breakfast was supposed to be?

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SECTION 3 — DINING EXPERIENCE

6. Rate the culinary artistry of our meals:

    •    ☐ Michelin-worthy

    •    ☐ Edible with effort

    •    ☐ Mysterious but survivable

    •    ☐ I have questions that science cannot answer

7. Did you enjoy the variety of menu options?

    •    ☐ Yes

    •    ☐ No

    •    ☐ I’m still not sure if Tuesday’s entrée was food

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SECTION 4 — PROGRAMMING & ACTIVITIES

8. Which of the following activities did you participate in?

    •    ☐ Walking in circles

    •    ☐ Sitting

    •    ☐ Thinking about life

    •    ☐ Thinking about lunch

    •    ☐ Wondering why time moves slower in here

    •    ☐ Other (please describe your spiritual journey): ___________

9. Did your stay include any unexpected opportunities for personal growth?

    •    ☐ Learned patience

    •    ☐ Learned humility

    •    ☐ Learned the legal system very quickly

    •    ☐ Learned I never want to fill out this survey again

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SECTION 5 — CUSTOMER SERVICE

10. How would you rate the friendliness of staff?

    •    ☐ Surprisingly pleasant

    •    ☐ Professionally indifferent

    •    ☐ “Move over there” was said with warmth

    •    ☐ I think they liked me

    •    ☐ I think they didn’t

11. Did staff answer your questions in a timely manner?

    •    ☐ Yes

    •    ☐ No

    •    ☐ I’m still waiting

    •    ☐ I learned not to ask questions

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SECTION 6 — RELEASE PROCESS

12. How smooth was your release experience?

    •    ☐ Smooth

    •    ☐ Mostly smooth

    •    ☐ Bumpy

    •    ☐ Like trying to exit a maze blindfolded

13. Upon release, did you feel ready to re-enter society?

    •    ☐ Yes, I am reborn

    •    ☐ Somewhat

    •    ☐ Not at all

    •    ☐ Please define “ready”

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SECTION 7 — FINAL COMMENTS

14. If you could change one thing about your stay, what would it be?

(Please choose only one):

    •    ☐ The walls

    •    ☐ The food

    •    ☐ The schedule

    •    ☐ The length of stay

    •    ☐ All of the above

    •    ☐ I decline to answer on advice of counsel

15. Additional feedback for management:

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(Comments will be carefully reviewed by someone someday.)

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Thank You!

Your answers will be used to improve future guest experiences,*

though absolutely no one can guarantee that.