Fund 999

A collaboration between Lewis McLain & AI

Expanded Municipal Conference Edition
(A municipal one-act for finance directors, auditors, city managers, and anyone who fears the phrase “per GASB …”)

Dramatis Personae

  • Socrates — “Temporary Fiscal Clarity Consultant.”
  • Clerk — keeper of keys, minutes, and mysteries.
  • Finance Director — calm, caffeinated, bindered.
  • Auditor — cheerful, bespectacled, powered by sampling.
  • Councilmember — earnest, reform-minded, occasionally literal.
  • Budget Analyst — Excel whisperer, existential worrier.
  • Grants Coordinator — compliance hobbyist, binder color-coder.
  • IT Person — speaks API, fears “Final_FINAL_v27.xlsx.”
  • Bond Counsel (Cameo) — invokes covenants, vanishes.
  • City Manager — thunder on loafers.
  • Stranger — walk-on comic angel of clarity.
  • Chorus — two staffers labeled “Chart of Accounts,” who sing footnotes and disclaimers.

Scene 1 — Records Room, 8:01 a.m.

(A pull-chain bulb. Filing cabinets labeled “Special Revenue (Ancient)” and “Projects We Definitely Finished.” A banker’s box glows faintly.)

Clerk: (whispering) I found it behind the 1998 copier lease and an unsigned MOU.
Socrates: (peering in) Ah! A relic with a number: Fund 999. The last digit thrice—the mystics will be unbearable.
Clerk: We numbered it so we’d remember it. We forgot it because we numbered it.
Socrates: Thus the first law of bureaucracy: name a thing, and it hides behind the label.

(Enter Finance Director with coffee.)

Finance Director: We don’t use Fund 999. It’s legacy. Dormant. Harmless.
Socrates: Dead or sleeping?
Finance Director: With funds there is “active,” “should’ve been closed,” and “awaiting discovery by auditors.”
Chorus: (soft hum) GASB fifty-four… five flavors… evermore…
Socrates: Five flavors? I hope they pair with coffee.
Finance Director: They pair with pain.

(Lights shift.)

Scene 2 — The Conference Room of Unfinished Business

(Whiteboard reads: “CLOSE-OUT PLAN — DRAFT OF THE DRAFT.” A plate of cookies labeled “For Council Only.”)

Budget Analyst: We think it began as a Special Revenue Fund.
Socrates: “Special” in the sense of purpose or in the sense of “we didn’t know where else to put it”?
Budget Analyst: (shrugs) Column G says purpose. Column H says “¯\(ツ)/¯”.
Grants Coordinator: I found a 2004 email: “Use Fund 999 for ‘Economic Vibrancy Initiatives.’”
Socrates: A phrase so broad that even philosophy can’t hug it.

Finance Director: (opens binder) Under GASB 54, fund balance has five flavors: Nonspendable, Restricted, Committed, Assigned, Unassigned.
Socrates: Like Greek virtues, but with footnotes and acronyms. Which flavor is 999?
Finance Director: (grim) It says Assigned.
Socrates: Assigned by whom?
Finance Director: People who no longer work here and possibly never existed.

Councilmember: If it’s assigned, can we un-assign it and buy sidewalks?
Socrates: Can a promise made at midnight guide a parade at noon?

(Enter Auditor, jolly and terrifying.)

Auditor: I sensed ambiguity. I came as soon as it balanced.

(They gather around a laptop that immediately requests updates.)

Scene 3 — Field Audit, with Flashlight

(A worktable of binders, highlighters, and a flashlight for dramatic effect.)

Auditor: Three classic reasons a fund like this persists:

  1. Revenue vanished, meetings continued.
  2. It became a parking lot for “temporary” due-to/due-from balances during the Bronze Age.
  3. Someone feared commingling like they fear cilantro—

(Door SLAMS. Enter City Manager, thunder on loafers.)

City Manager: (booming) WHO SPOKE THE C-WORD?
(Everyone freezes. Coffee trembles.)
City Manager: The C-word is worse than profanity! It shall never enter your mind nor cross your lips. Should you contemplate inter-fund cross-pollination, your tenure shall be concluded by end of day—by end of lunch if I’ve had decaf! We separate by purpose, by law, by covenant, by destiny! Are we clear?
All: Crystal!
City Manager: Carry on. (Exits like a thunderclap. The doorknob impelled the wall and won’t close until maintenance can come.)

Socrates: Behold, a policy sermon in one act.
Auditor: We shall say “cash cross-contamination.”
Grants Coordinator: I prefer “inter-fund salsa.”
Finance Director: Let’s say none of that in the minutes.

Auditor: As I was saying: trace origin, verify restrictions, clear “temporary” balances old enough to vote, and—if unconstrained—close or repurpose per policy.
Socrates: A funeral with paperwork.
Budget Analyst: And an obituary in Column J.

Chorus: (singing softly) Schedule of Expenditures of Federal Awards… SEFA, SEFA, hallelujah…

Scene 4 — The Council Work Session That Lasts Forever

(Slide: “Agenda Item 7: Fund 999 — Close-Out Options.” The clock reads 5 p.m. It will continue to read 5 p.m.)

Councilmember: Why do we have so many funds?
Socrates: Because the human heart loves categories. Also, reports paginate badly.
Finance Director: Funds aren’t piles of cash; they’re accounting entities. The question: does 999 still serve a public purpose with the correct basis of accounting, or is it an honorary title we forgot to retire?
Councilmember: And the risk?
Finance Director: Confusion, misreporting, and the slow death of transparency by a thousand “Other Financing Sources.”
Socrates: When is a Special Revenue Fund truly special?
Finance Director: When a revenue is legally restricted or formally committed. “We like it this way” is not a restriction.
Socrates: Capital Projects Fund?
Finance Director: For major construction tracked over years.
Socrates: Internal Service?
Finance Director: Shared services—fleet, IT, insurance—half science, half therapy.
Socrates: Enterprise?
Finance Director: Water, sewer, airport—where depreciation is theoretical until cash runs out.
Councilmember: So Fund 999 may be none of these.
Socrates: Or all in spirit and none in substance—Schrödinger’s Fund- you know, the quantum mechanics thingy.
Auditor: And remember: no cross-conta—
All: SHH!
Auditor: (solemn) The thing we do not name.

(Suddenly, the door opens. A man in jeans and a checked shirt leans in, microphone in hand.)

Stranger: You might be a redneck if the only thing you know about debits and credits applies to your bar tab!

(He tips his hat and leaves before anyone can speak. A beat of stunned silence.)

Budget Analyst: Was that Jeff Foxworthy?
Councilmember: Sure looked like him.
Finance Director: Who invited him to this workshop?
Clerk: Dunno, but he nailed our internal controls problem.
Socrates: A wandering comic sage—he spoke truth in accruals.
Auditor: And violated no procurement policy.
(They shrug and return to the slide.)

Scene 5 — The Archive Yields a Scroll

(The IT Person hustles in with a USB drive labeled “Do_Not_Delete.”)

IT Person: I found the creation memo in a retired share. Also twelve copies named “Final.”
Budget Analyst: (reading) “Fund 999 established to collect developer contributions for ‘Vibrancy Improvements’: benches, trees, and public art—until expended.”
Grants Coordinator: That smells like Restricted—by agreement, maybe even by location.
Finance Director: If contribution agreements limit geography and purpose, the money can’t fund sidewalks three miles away or festival confetti.
Socrates: The fund’s soul is not empty; merely mislabeled.

Auditor: Proposed remedy:

  • Inventory balances; tie dollars to source agreements and zones.
  • Finish intended projects or amend agreements in public.
  • Anything orphaned goes to the closest lawful purpose via resolution, with a bright-line audit trail.

Councilmember: And if any dollars touched bonds?
(Enter Bond Counsel like a thundercloud.)
Bond Counsel: Then behold private use and spend-down rules. One does not mix—
All: SHH!
Bond Counsel: —one does not cohabit bond proceeds with things best left separate. (Vanishes.)
Socrates: A god descended, spoke in acronyms, and departed.

Scene 6 — The Ritual of Reclassification

(Whiteboard now reads: “Close-Out Steps (No New Mysteries).”)

Finance Director:

  1. Document the origin — revenue source, legal constraints, geographic limits.
  2. Reconcile balances — clear “temporary” due-tos/froms and identify encumbrances older than our interns.
  3. Reclassify fund balance — from “Assigned” to Restricted where supported; from myth to Committed via Council action; true orphans to Unassigned in General Fund—but only if truly free.
  4. Council resolution — honor original intent, specify projects, authorize closure or continuation in a proper fund.
  5. ERP updates — lock Fund 999; migrate remaining activity with a clean audit trail and a change log longer than the Iliad.
  6. Public report — plain-English: “Where it came from, where it’s going, why it’s right.”

Auditor: And when you close it, do not create a brand-new “Miscellaneous Special” for leftovers. That’s like cleaning your desk by buying a bigger drawer.
Budget Analyst: (guilty) Drawer 4 is full.

Socrates: Adopt a Fund Rationalization Policy:

  • Sunset clauses (“close within 24 months of project completion”).
  • Criteria for when a special revenue fund is warranted vs. a department in General.
  • An annual Fund Cemetery Review: who can be merged, closed, or resurrected only with cause.

Finance Director: (scribbling) I’ll title it “The No New Mysteries Act.”
Grants Coordinator: With an appendix: “Words We Don’t Say.”
All: (in unison) The C-word.

Scene 7 — The Public Hearing

(A citizen with a stroller; a teenager in a marching band shirt; a retiree holding a sapling.)

Councilmember: Tonight we confess: sometimes we created complex things for simple purposes, then forgot the purpose. We bind ourselves to clarity.
Citizen: Does this mean the benches and trees are finally coming?
Finance Director: (smiles) In the right places, for the right reasons, with the right dollars.
Socrates: If a city can discover the meaning of “assigned,” it can surely plant a tree.

Chorus: (like a lullaby)
Nonspendable for what cannot be spent,
Restricted by law and covenant;
Committed by council’s earnest vote,
Assigned by those who mind the float;
Unassigned to cushion rain…
and never hide your funds again.

Scene 8 — Epilogue in the Records Room

(The box labeled “Fund 999” now bears a red tag: “CLOSED—SEE RES. 2025-117.”)

Clerk: Will there be others like it?
Socrates: Anything built by people is half cathedral, half maze.
Finance Director: But now we keep a map—and a list of words we do not speak.
Auditor: See you next year. Fewer legends, more sidewalks.
(They nod. The bulb clicks off.)

Closing Hymn (Tempo: Workshop After 5 p.m.)

Verse 1
We opened every ledger, we traced the oldest thread,
Found dollars softly sleeping in the archives of the dead.
We numbered them with reverence, we labeled them with care,
Then closed them with a policy and sunlight everywhere.

Chorus
Oh sing the five fund flavors, in balance true and kind:
Restricted, Committed, Assigned, Unassigned!
And when the auditors arrive, we greet them with a grin—
For legends fade to footnotes when the policies begin.

Verse 2
We honored covenants sacred, we planted trees at last,
We cleared the “temporary” items from the echoes of the past.
If ever funds grow labyrinths on shelves we cannot see,
We’ll ask the simplest question first: “What is the purpose, be?”

Chorus (repeat)

Quick Reference

  • GASB 54 Fund Balance: Nonspendable / Restricted / Committed / Assigned / Unassigned
  • Special Revenue Fund: Use only for legally or formally constrained revenues.
  • Capital Projects Fund: Track major construction across years.
  • Internal Service Fund: Shared services; mind rate setting and net position.
  • Enterprise Fund: Business-type; depreciation is real (and so is cash).
  • Close-Out Steps: Origin → Reconcile → Reclassify → Council Action → ERP Migration → Public Summary.
  • Policy Fixes: Sunset clauses; annual fund rationalization; bright-line handling of orphans; glossary of “Words We Do Not Say.”

Staging & Use Notes

Run time ≈ 15–18 minutes. Cast 8–10. Props: banker’s box, scary binder, whiteboard, pull-chain bulb, one cookie labeled “For Council Only.”
Handout: Close-Out Checklist + Five Flavors explainer.

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