Tag: relationships

The Miracle of Dialogue: Reuel L. Howe’s Vision for Human and Spiritual Connection

.Reading time 10 minutes.

A collaboration between Lewis McLain & AI

Introduction

I don’t actually remember where I found this book many years ago. I recall using it in year-long workshops I once conducted for new and emerging city managers, as well as another workshop for finance directors. I’m sure it was likely an attractive title to me since Linda & I were once involved in and led a marriage communication weekend. Nevertheless, I knew this book addressed a workplace need. I gave my 2,000+ library away to a high school librarian a few years back, so I can’t retrieve it to see any notes I might have written in the book. Still, this essay is an attempt to convey a critical message to anyone who might read my blog. LFM

When Reuel L. Howe, Episcopal priest and professor of pastoral theology, published The Miracle of Dialogue in 1963, he was addressing one of the deepest crises of his time: the loss of authentic communication. For Howe, dialogue was not simply conversation, but a sacred process through which persons discover themselves, one another, and God. His book outlined principles that remain as necessary today as they were in the turbulent 1960s.

Dialogue as Life-Blood

Perhaps the most vivid line in Howe’s book is this: “Dialogue is to love, what blood is to the body. When the flow of blood stops, the body dies. When dialogue stops, love dies and resentment and hate are born. But dialogue can restore a dead relationship. Indeed, this is the miracle of dialogue.”

Here, Howe underscores that dialogue is not optional. Just as circulation sustains physical life, communication sustains relational and spiritual life. When dialogue dries up—whether between spouses, friends, or nations—resentment, suspicion, and hostility emerge. Yet the miracle is that dialogue can revive what seems dead.

Barriers and Breakdowns

Howe was realistic about how hard this is. He wrote, “A barrier to communication is something that keeps meanings from meeting.” He understood that people may speak the same words but miss each other’s meaning because of fear, assumptions, or prejudice.

Such barriers are not merely semantic—they are deeply personal. He observed, “The breakdown of community and, therefore, of dialogue occurs when there is an obliteration of persons. This obliteration takes place when one person or the other exploits the relationship for any purpose other than its true one.”

In other words, dialogue collapses when we treat others as objects to be managed instead of persons to be honored.

The Ontological Depth of Dialogue

Howe believed dialogue reaches beyond words to touch the very core of being. “Every genuine conversation, therefore, can be an ontological event, and every exchange between husband and wife, parent and child, teacher and pupil, person and person, has more meaning than the thing talked about.”

In practice, even ordinary conversations about chores or daily frustrations carry transformative weight if both parties enter them with openness.

Knowing and Being Known

Howe taught that self-knowledge is relational: “Only as we know another and are known by him, can we know ourselves.” To be human is to be relational, created in the image of a God who exists in eternal relationship. Thus, dialogue is not just human skill but divine calling.

Why Howe Wrote the Book

Howe wrote The Miracle of Dialogue because he saw his culture losing this art. In politics, debate was replacing dialogue. In families, silence or command took the place of listening. In the church, sermons and programs often substituted for genuine pastoral presence. He believed the consequences were devastating: alienation, loneliness, and the collapse of community.

Yet he also believed that the miracle of dialogue could reverse the trend. By practicing vulnerability, respect, and attentiveness, people could rediscover each other and reweave the fabric of society.

What Now? A Practical Guide to Living Dialogue

Howe’s work begs the question: what should the reader actually do with this? The miracle of dialogue is not realized in theory but in practice. Here are five starting steps:

  1. Create Space for Listening
    • Set aside time each day to listen without agenda. In a family, this may mean turning off devices at dinner and allowing everyone to share. In the workplace, it may mean pausing before giving answers and hearing out the full story.
  2. Practice Vulnerable Speech
    • Risk saying what is truly on your heart, even if it feels small or unpolished. Howe reminds us that dialogue is born in honesty, not performance.
  3. Check for Barriers
    • When a conversation feels stuck, ask: “What barrier is keeping our meanings from meeting?” Misunderstanding, assumption, or defensiveness may be blocking true exchange. Naming the barrier can begin to remove it.
  4. Value Persons over Outcomes
    • Resist the temptation to enter conversation simply to win, persuade, or manage. Howe warns that exploitation obliterates persons. Instead, see the person as more important than the argument or decision.
  5. Invite God into Dialogue
    • Whether through prayer before a difficult conversation or openness to the Spirit’s prompting while listening, recognize dialogue as a sacred act. Dialogue, for Howe, is not just about communication between humans but communion with God.

Practicing the Miracle of Dialogue: A 7-Day Plan

Reuel L. Howe believed dialogue was not merely theory but a way of life. To begin living it, here is a week-long practice plan drawn from the principles of The Miracle of Dialogue. Each day focuses on one theme, with a concrete exercise.

Day 1: Create Space for Listening

Choose one person in your life. Set aside 15–20 minutes today to listen to them without interruption. Repeat back what you heard to confirm understanding.

Day 2: Practice Vulnerable Speech

In a conversation, share something real from your heart—a worry, a hope, or a memory. Notice how honesty changes the dynamic.

Day 3: Check for Barriers

Reflect on a recent strained conversation. Identify at least one barrier—assumption, fear, or distraction. Plan a follow-up where you acknowledge the barrier and try again.

Day 4: Value Persons over Outcomes

In a conversation today, consciously put the relationship ahead of the result. Say to yourself: “This person is more important than my agenda.”

Day 5: Invite God into Dialogue

Before a key conversation, pause and pray: “Lord, help me to listen as You listen, and to speak as You would speak.” Reflect afterward on how the exchange felt.

Day 6: Engage Across Difference

Seek out a conversation with someone whose perspective differs from yours. Ask questions with genuine curiosity, aiming to understand rather than persuade.

Day 7: Reflect and Renew

At week’s end, journal about moments when dialogue felt alive. Identify one practice to carry forward—listening, praying, or honoring the person over the outcome.

Conclusion

Reuel L. Howe’s The Miracle of Dialogue is both timeless and timely. His insistence that dialogue is like blood to the body, that barriers keep “meanings from meeting,” that every genuine conversation is more than its subject, and that we only know ourselves by being known by others—all these insights point to dialogue as the lifeblood of human existence.

Howe wrote the book to warn against the dangers of monologue and manipulation and to point toward the sacred possibility of real conversation. For readers today, the “What Now” is clear: create space, practice vulnerability, check for barriers, value persons, and invite God into the exchange. In doing so, we participate in the miracle that can heal broken relationships, revive community, and draw us closer to God Himself.

The Burden of Being Misunderstood

.Reading time 10 minutes.

A collaboration between Lewis McLain & AI

Introduction: The Human Longing to Be Known

Few human experiences cut as deeply as being misunderstood. To speak with sincerity only to be misheard, to act with good intention only to be judged wrongly, is a wound that echoes in the soul. From Socrates on trial in Athens to artists whose work was only appreciated after death, history is filled with men and women whose essence was obscured by misunderstanding. Yet the experience is not reserved for the famous; it is part of the everyday fabric of marriages, friendships, and workplaces. Understanding why it happens, the pain it causes, and how it can be prevented is essential for any life that seeks peace, intimacy, and effective collaboration.

Why Misunderstanding Happens

1. The Imperfection of Language

Language is a fragile bridge between minds. Words carry multiple meanings, shaped by culture, upbringing, and emotion. The simple phrase “I’m fine” may mean relief, indifference, exhaustion, or deep pain depending on tone and context. Misunderstanding is built into the very tools we use to connect.

2. Psychological Filters

Every listener filters communication through personal experiences. If someone grew up in a critical household, even neutral feedback may feel like an attack. If a spouse feels insecure, a simple absence of words can be heard as rejection. These filters distort reality.

3. Assumptions and Cognitive Shortcuts

Our brains save time by assuming. When a colleague misses a deadline, we may assume laziness rather than hidden struggles. When a partner forgets an anniversary, we may assume indifference rather than stress. These shortcuts help us survive but often betray truth.

4. Cultural and Generational Differences

In multicultural workplaces and families, communication styles clash. A blunt statement meant as efficiency may feel like rudeness. Silence meant as respect may feel like distance. What one generation calls “honesty,” another calls “harshness.”

5. The Speed of Modern Life

Emails skimmed, texts dashed off, meetings rushed—modern communication often sacrifices clarity for speed. Misunderstanding thrives in the gaps where careful explanation once lived.

The Horrible Feelings of Being Misunderstood

To be misunderstood is not merely inconvenient; it is existentially painful.

  • Alienation: It creates a gulf between self and others. One feels exiled even in the midst of family or colleagues.
  • Helplessness: Attempts to clarify can deepen suspicion: “The more I explain, the less they believe me.”
  • Humiliation: Being misjudged damages reputation, sometimes irreparably. In the workplace, it can derail careers. In marriage, it can fracture intimacy.
  • Loneliness: Misunderstood individuals may retreat inward, carrying the unshakable sense that no one truly sees them.
  • Anger and Bitterness: Repeated misinterpretation corrodes patience, leaving resentment to fester.

The philosopher Søren Kierkegaard captured the torment when he wrote: “People understand me so little that they do not even understand when I complain of being misunderstood.”

Misunderstanding in Marriage

Marriage is both the most fertile ground for misunderstanding and the most urgent place to heal it.

Common Triggers

  1. Unspoken Expectations: One partner assumes the other “should know” what they need without saying it. Disappointment follows.
  2. Different Communication Styles: Some are verbal processors, others internal. Silence may feel like avoidance to one, thoughtfulness to another.
  3. Stress and Fatigue: A weary tone may be mistaken for anger; distraction may be mistaken for indifference.
  4. Conflict Escalation: During arguments, words are rushed, tone is sharp, and intentions are distorted.

Real-World Example

Consider a couple where the husband works long hours to provide financial security, while the wife longs for quality time. He believes he is expressing love through sacrifice; she believes he is expressing disinterest. Both are misunderstood because they equate love with different actions. Without clarity, affection curdles into resentment.

Preventive Practices

  • Radical Clarity: Instead of assuming, ask. “When you’re quiet, should I understand it as thoughtfulness or withdrawal?”
  • Regular Check-ins: Create safe spaces to ask: “Do you feel understood by me right now?”
  • Active Listening: Repeating back what was heard (“So you’re saying you felt hurt when I forgot…”) validates the partner’s inner world.
  • Love Languages: Recognize that affection is communicated differently—through words, gifts, service, time, or touch. Misunderstanding often arises when partners speak different “languages.”

Misunderstanding in the Workplace

Workplaces magnify misunderstanding because of layered hierarchies, pressures, and competing goals.

Common Sources

  1. Ambiguous Instructions: Leaders say, “Get this done soon,” but each employee defines “soon” differently.
  2. Lack of Context: When decisions are made without explanation, workers fill the gap with suspicion.
  3. Email Tone: A curt response written in haste may be read as hostility.
  4. Generational and Cultural Gaps: A younger worker may interpret silence from a manager as disapproval, while the manager thinks, “No news is good news.”

Case Study: The Boeing 737 MAX Crisis

Misunderstanding played a role in the Boeing 737 MAX tragedies. Engineers flagged risks, but managers misunderstood—or dismissed—their concerns, assuming compliance meant safety. The gap between intention and perception led to catastrophic consequences.

Preventive Practices

  • Explicit Communication: Replace vagueness with specifics. Deadlines, deliverables, and success measures must be clear.
  • Feedback Culture: Encourage employees to restate instructions in their own words to confirm understanding.
  • Transparent Leadership: Share the reasoning behind decisions. Context prevents negative assumptions.
  • Cross-Cultural Training: Equip teams to recognize differences in communication styles.

Strategies for Prevention Across Life

  1. Practice Humility: Accept that you may not have been clear. Re-explain without defensiveness.
  2. Develop Empathy: Seek first to understand before seeking to be understood.
  3. Slow Down: In moments of tension, resist the urge for quick reactions.
  4. Use Multiple Channels: Important messages deserve both spoken and written forms.
  5. Acknowledge Emotions: Sometimes, people need validation of their feelings more than explanation of your intent.

The Paradoxical Gift of Being Misunderstood

Though painful, being misunderstood can also sharpen self-awareness. Many great innovators, prophets, and artists were misunderstood in their time—Jesus of Nazareth, Vincent van Gogh, Emily Dickinson, Martin Luther King Jr. Their experience forced them to deepen conviction, clarify expression, and find identity not in approval but in truth. For ordinary people, the same paradox can hold: misunderstanding, though a wound, can also be a teacher.

Conclusion: Toward a Culture of Understanding

To be understood is to be seen; to be misunderstood is to be invisible. The difference can determine the health of a marriage, the morale of a workplace, or the direction of a life. Misunderstanding will never vanish, but intentional listening, clarity, and empathy can reduce its grip. When people slow down enough to ask, “What did you mean?” and to say, “Here’s how I felt,” they build bridges across the abyss. And in those bridges lies the possibility of love, trust, and shared humanity.

Reflection and Application Questions

For Personal Reflection

  1. When was the last time I felt misunderstood? What emotions rose up in me?
  2. Do I tend to withdraw, defend, or over-explain when misunderstood? Why?
  3. How often do I assume I know what others mean without asking?
  4. What patterns from my upbringing shape how I interpret others’ words?

For Couples

  1. What’s one time in our relationship when you felt I truly misunderstood you? How did it affect you?
  2. What signals (tone, silence, habits) do I often misinterpret in you?
  3. What communication style differences exist between us, and how can we honor them?
  4. How can we build a regular rhythm of checking in about whether we feel seen and heard?

For Workplace Teams

  1. When has miscommunication in our team caused tension or lost productivity?
  2. What instructions or messages are usually the most misunderstood here?
  3. How can we improve feedback loops so people feel safe asking for clarification?
  4. Do we share enough context for decisions, or do we leave colleagues filling in the gaps with assumptions?
  5. How can we better acknowledge the emotions—stress, fatigue, pride—that affect how messages are received?