A collaboration between Lewis McLain & AI

A Three-Act Comedy Starring Einstein, Socrates, and Trump

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ACT I — THE RETURN OF EINSTEIN

[The Oval Office. TRUMP is leafing through a stack of “Big Beautiful Bill” drafts printed on thick gold-edged paper. EINSTEIN stands before a chalkboard that looks like it’s survived a hurricane.]

EINSTEIN:
Mr. Trump, I have returned because I heard you said your rally crowd “dropped 1,200% in the rain.”

TRUMP:
It did. Huge drop. People couldn’t believe how much it dropped. Even the raindrops dropped harder — beautiful drops, by the way.

EINSTEIN:
A drop cannot exceed 100%!
A 1,200% drop would require the crowd to run backward through time, perhaps into ancient Greece.

TRUMP:
Exactly. They left so fast they created a vacuum. Very scientific. You should be proud.

EINSTEIN: (clutching his hair)
I am not proud! I am horrified!

TRUMP:
People tell me all the time, “Sir, your crowds defy physics.”
And I say, “Yes they do. Tremendously.”

EINSTEIN:
Physics is not meant to be defied!

TRUMP:
Sure it is. Everything is meant to be improved.
Even your hair could use some product.

EINSTEIN:
(looks up at ceiling)
Please. Strike me now.

TRUMP:
Don’t quit. You’re doing great.

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ACT II — ENTER SOCRATES

[Sudden breeze. A faint smell of olives. SOCRATES steps into the room wearing a toga and sandals, carrying a scroll titled “My New Blog on the Truth of Truth.”]

SOCRATES:
Greetings! I sensed an argument.
Excellent!
Tell me, what is a percentage?

TRUMP: (points)
This guy again? He followed me into my blog draft earlier.

EINSTEIN:
Socrates, please — we are trying to keep the math grounded in reality.

SOCRATES:
Reality?
What is reality?
Is rain real?
Is a crowd real?
Are numbers real, or merely the shadows of higher truths?

TRUMP:
Here we go.
He turns everything into a TED Talk with sandals.

SOCRATES: (leaning in toward Trump)
Tell me, O Orangest One —
When you say a crowd “dropped 1,200%,” do you mean the crowd fell, or your idea of the crowd fell?

TRUMP:
I mean the crowd dropped bigly.
The biggest drop since the invention of drops.

EINSTEIN:
(whispering to Socrates)
Help me. He is destroying the concept of numbers.

SOCRATES:
I cannot help you.
I only ask questions until everyone cries.

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THE BLOG REVELATION

SOCRATES: (sees Trump’s laptop open to a WordPress page)
Behold… a scroll of thought for the masses.
A modern blog!

TRUMP:
Yeah, that’s mine. Don’t touch it.

SOCRATES:
I too had blogs.
Many blogs.
Some written, some spoken, some scratched in the sand, some left as riddles in the agora.

TRUMP:
You didn’t have blogs.

SOCRATES:
Of course I did.
Plato plagiarized all of them.

EINSTEIN:
(whispering to Trump)
He actually believes this.

TRUMP:
Well, tell him to get out of my blog. This is my blog.

SOCRATES:
Every argument is my blog.
Every debate is my domain.
I invented the comments section!

EINSTEIN:
Socrates, please. You must leave.
This is already chaos.

TRUMP: (pointing to the door)
Go back to Ancient Greece and blog there.
Take Plato with you.

SOCRATES: (offended)
Plato is a content aggregator, not a thinker!

TRUMP:
Yeah, that sounds right.

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ACT III — THE FINAL MELTDOWN

SOCRATES:
Before I go, answer me this:
If a crowd drops 1,200%, does the crowd exist at all?

TRUMP:
It exists beautifully.
Negatively, even.

EINSTEIN:
Negative crowds do not exist.

TRUMP:
You said it yourself — your sanity dropped 300%.
So clearly things can drop more than 100%.

EINSTEIN:
I was speaking metaphorically!

TRUMP:
Doesn’t matter. I accept your concession.

SOCRATES:
Gentlemen… the argument has now transcended numbers.
It has become…
dumb.

EINSTEIN:
Agreed.

TRUMP:
Agreed. Very dumb.
But also amazing.
People love it.

SOCRATES:
Then I shall take my leave.
There is another blog — in the realm of ideas —
where someone is wrong on the internet.

[He exits dramatically. His cape billows like a curtain that refuses to obey gravity.]

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EPILOGUE

EINSTEIN:
I preferred it when he drank hemlock.

TRUMP:
Same.
I liked him better when he said he had two blogs and stayed in them.

EINSTEIN:
So we are agreed?

TRUMP:
Totally.
This is my blog.

EINSTEIN:
Then I shall go.

TRUMP:
Good.
Because my last crowd dropped 2,000%—

EINSTEIN: (screams) NOOOO!

[Blackout.]